The Amazing Spider Man 2 - not much amazing about it.

There are several depressing things going on in the wurlde right now. Ergo, I feel it is appropriate to put my thoughts on "The Amazing Spiderman 2" down. I saw this travesty at the dollar theatre recently. I am sorry that I shelled out the extra dough for the 3D version. Which was awful. This film is a prime example of the horrible misuse of post processing 3D which adds nothing but nausea and headaches to most viewers. I should have done my due diligence. If you are going to see a Peter Jackson film, yes then by all means pay extra for 3D - they have actually used dual lens cameras. Shite like this... no. Most people just cannot make that 3D magic come alive with software. Not unless your name is Alfonso Cuarón.

Ok, so on to the actual film. Garfield and Stone have a good deal of on screen charm and whatnot. And Loki knows, almost any screen pairing is superior to the horrible emo mess that was Maguire and Dunst. So this movie should have, well.. worked. But it didn't. For many a reason. But before I tell you what went wrong, let me tell you what they got right. The casting of Paul Giamatti as a crazed Russki mobster who is hijacking a truck with a load of Plutonium driven through the streets of NY, because where else would you drive a truck full of plutonium? Spidey intervenes, but alas is too late to hear Emma Stone's valedictorian speech about YOLO.

Some of the problems in this movie stem from the Spiderman universe itself. And that is clearly Stan Lee's fault. For instance:

1. Spidey only functions in NY. Relocate him to Kansas. Heck, move him to a major metro area which doesn't have the stupidly high density of skyscrapers that NYC has - such as Orlando - and he is boned. Without them tall buildings to swoop around, the playing field is .. shall we say.. leveled?
2. How come he only gets the cool superpowers like strength and web? Why not the aversion to light and the propensity to eat moths? Just askin'

In this specific film, notice how the plot advances because OSHA ain't really a thing. Jamie Foxx (carries a hot mancrush on Spidey/Garfield and works under the cruel thumb of BJ Novak - the cast writes its own jokes)  wants some bloke to shut off some part of the electrical grid (built by OSCORP) 'cos after hours maintenance (ordered by Novak). Said bloke refuses, citing "after hours". Foxx goes ahead anyway, fries himself and falls into a tank full of electric eels which was placed carefully under the station where he was carrying out repairs. It is strongly implied that he was face-banged by at least one eel. Naturally, he turns into a living battery who now perceives the world as a flow of colourful electrons, because fuck biophysics. After this terrible accident, instead of seeking out a capable personal injury lawyer and suing the pants off OSCORP, Foxx heads to Times Square to scare the tourists and look at the pretty lights because Mommy never paid any attention to him and he has never felt the soft embrace of a woman (or Spiderman). Violence results. A dubsteppy soundtrack is revealed in its glory. Foxx is locked away in the Ravencroft Institute (for the Criminally Insane). Just kidding, the Criminally Insane are the doctors who have graduated from evil medical school and their job references are signed by Josef Mengele.

There is a subplot where Stone decides to go to Oxford because being hot + fake British accent = guaranteed Academy Award sooner or later. Garfield disagrees, but then comes around because modern man bleeds estrogen. Also a puny kid is being beaten up because his third grade project involves a windmill and as we all know, the Koch brothers love Big Oil and employ fifth grade bullies to hunt down and destroy all budding Elon Musks.

Meanwhile Little Osborne (old friend of Peter Parker) is back from being rich and idle. He is now rich and diseased, suffering from early onset forwardtheplotitis. The only thing which can save him is a vial of Spidey's blood. Which is not available because eeew! Peter Parker hates needles. Corporate shenanigans. Lil' Osborne is deposed from CEO-ship, and in revenge frees Foxx - and they go out on a nice romantic rampage. Unfortunately, Lil' Osborne's disease progresses very fast and he injects himself with some leftover spider venom which was stored in the basement. This turns him into a monster(specifically, the Green Goblin) to nobody's surprise. He then dons an experimental mecha-battlesuit which Congress funded because someone stuck an addendum to the F-35 project and who cares about an extra 10 billion bucks here or there? This battlesuit is able to instantly treat his debilitating disease, but does nothing to cure his psychopathy or his Goblinness.

  Foxx and Spidey must now have a showdown in the huge power station which is a number of vertical pillars and two operators. Thankfully, there is no nuclear reactor, or hydroelectric dam or gas/coal fired furnace. Fighting. Spidey gets his lycra-ed arse kicked. Stone turns up and drives her Crown Vic straight into Foxx. She then turns the power back on for the entire city - which is only possible since she was a summer intern at Oscorpower. Seriously, that is what they call it. Anyway, since this is a superhero movie, there are no boffins, only buff people. We shoulda had Stone at Fukushima.

The dubstep reaches a crescendo. Foxx is killed because mumble-mumble-garbled-physics. The day is saved! However, Green Goblin/Lil' Osborne turns up in his jet powered sled. More fighting. Emma Stone dies. Spidey is sad. Spends all his weekends at her grave. Then  Paul Giamatti comes back, dressed in a metal rhino shaped mechsuit. Spidey steps up. There will prolly be a sequel.