Chennai autowallahs

The auto is an ubiquitous aspect of urban life in india. they range from the little petrol run contraptions called 'peepde' (ant) seen in kolkata, to the somewhat larger and substantially noisier diesel 'garuda' autos (which can be a godsend when you are trying to make it to the tollygunge metro station during the monsoons and the family canoe has sprung a leak...). another one of this family i had encountered ages ago in chandigarh (7 years ago, one bitterly cold winter, having pulled off some minor stunt at a KV quiz competition and trying to make it to the railway station in time) had had its regular engine removed and ran on a kerosene fired portable generator. behaved like a small girl in fact; loud and rather petulant. then there the huge 'vikrant' autos which are found in central and north india, huge contraptions which can seat (read as squeeze) a correspondingly huge indian joint family, complete with five generations and a dog. these autos sometimes have meters (note that this meter is the instrument, the unit of length is the metre; and yes, i prefer the british and indian spelling) which are calibrated as per the whim of the driver and level of intoxication of the official inspector and is also correlated to how much the aforementioned stalwart is collecting under the table. sometimes, the driver has the misfortune of overcharging, and then being rude to a pretty college girl who just happened to be the neice of the son in law of the first cousin of the aunt of the mother in law of the maternal cousin, once removed of the deputy police commissioner. in which case, the driver's hindquarters are subjected to forward impetus by the leatherclad foot of the deputy commissioner. as you realise, it pays to marry into a family which boasts of atleast one deputy commissioner. (a deputy magistrate is even more useful).. but returning to the theme of this post, autowallahs come from all sections of society(well, not all..); they perform a service which is vital, their hours of duty can be quite awful, and i can only imagine what sitting all day in an open vehicle surrounded by trucks and buses all belching the most thick and sooty smoke possible does to their lungs. very often, they are the little guys who keep a city's transport running. their's is a necessary and largely a thankless job. having said that, i generally loathe autowallahs with an intensity bordering on the homicidal.
all too often, i have been taken on a ride by autowallahs inn ways more than one. it ain't to bad in kolkata where strict unionisation ensures that charges are fixed (the idea being that any one autowallah doesn't rob you, they all collectively do! this is a beautiful aspect of a "socialist in lip service but capitalist in fact economy" which is not immediately apparent to those yokels who live and deal in wall street in believe in such laughable ideas like the free market..) well, yes, the charges are fixed, the autos run on routes, the cops are paid off, and elderly officegoers have the security of standing in line without risking life and limb in a mad rush to grab the first auto. the union regulates itself and sometimes you as well. we find it safe and convenient. its a bong way of doing things; a remarkably intelligent way of doing things.
bangalore is much worse; here auto's run on meters, there are no fixed routes. but the basic problem is that you are at point A and want to be at point B. the autowallah wants to be at point C. hence, no agreement. the whole idea with being at point C is that there are infinitely many peoply at point C who want to be at point X, Y, Z and alpha. how does one remedy the situation. going with the infinite wisdom of muhammad who said that he will go to the mountains if they dont come to him, you can wish to go to point C. at which the autowallah becomes your best friend and even tells you about how much he loves Rahul Dravid and hates Ganguly (at which point you starts loathing his black soul, being an ardent bong and Ganguliphile yourself. for those who are at sea, Ganguly is the caption of the indian cricket team and a great cricketer, Dravid is a good cricketer and the wannabe captain. We hate Dravid.) Or, you beat the cirle, and give up your pathetic call centre job and start driving an auto.
chennai. the city of Jayalalitha, sambhar(an evil thing to eat) and evil twisted autowallahs. the city, also of matscience, where i have several friends, cheers to them, and the hometown of a good friend of mine (sorry, i hate to trash the city this way, but its not personal). yes, chennai autos have meters. that was a hollow laugh you just heard. meters which are so badly calibrated and they rip you off so hilariously that the autowallahs have stopped using them for shame. instead, one goes through an intricate process of bargaining with them. this is considered good etiquette for madrasis (chennai-ites). you mention your destination. the autowallah looks at you with an expression that clearly says 'what kind of a villager lives in an out of the way place like that? look at me, i live right next door to the legislature, this is what i do for a hobby'.. ok you get the picture. then he mentions a price. at which point, regardless of what the price is, you clap a hand to your forehead, point the index finger of the other hand at him and burst out laughing. rolling on the pavement for a bit also helps. after a bit, you sneer and tell him that the price he mentioned is about decent for a round trip to the moon. or chicago,, at the very least. at which point, he asks you to quote a fare. you immediately quarter whatever it was he had suggested. then he does the laughter routine. this goes back and forth for a while. after about six iterations, you reach a consensus. your journey then begins.